Sometimes I can't help but wonder just how much my past has been able to screw me up. Today I have decided that I need to rearrange my room. There was nothing that was wrong with the way it was, however I need to change it. It is taking me forever because I just keep pacing, just trying to think. I feel both unrest and confined at the same time, which is never a good feeling.
For some reason I have to totally change things every few months, and I think it could reflect my upbringing. I am not good with settling with anything. I have been working at my job for a year now, which is the longest time I have stayed at one place (due to previous jobs being broken up by school breaks and all) so I knew going into this job that I would freak out a few times. And of course I did, its just not easy to be static. I am currently just waiting in life. I work, get money, pay loans, and everything is put on hold. I used to travel around with the extra money but now I am just paying some kind of bill with any extra cash. College was amazing because I was able to bounce from home to college every few months, never staying in the same place for that long. Now that I am out what can I do!?
The reason I have to completely change my life every few months is because I am scared of stopping. I guess I am nervous to settle down like half of my high school peers did. After living in Italy and tasting what the world can be like for a happy traveler can I really go back to a simple static life? After having such freedom is it ever going to get easier to settle for mundaneness?
So for now I will continue to move my room around every few months, because even though it is a seemingly insignificantly small act, the physical nature of it helps me feel that I am still in charge of my life and am still able to change whatever I want.
Mood: Confused
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